Random Thoughts

So I was at a movie yesterday when I see this fifteenish year old kid in the bathroom waving his hands in front of a wheel operated paper towel dispenser way longer than it would take anyone who has ever used the old time dispenser to figure out that waving would not be effective method of procuring a paper towel. It made me laugh that I had to step over and spin the little wheel for him and it made me think; something I would have dang near considered a miracle when I was fifteen has become so commonplace that this kid would not of thought to even try spinning the little wheel on the side. It also made me think that if I blog about this, it will sound like a "when I was your age blog" which pretty much says you are old..... I'm old. I know I only made this blog about two sentences when it should of been like five but that is how my random thoughts run in my head, needing very little punctuation inside there.

It snowed the other day in hometown like two and a half feet of the most beautiful sticky building snow you could want. The kind of snow that would keep me out so long my lips would turn blue and it would sting to run your hands under luke warm water. I send Brian out to play which he does but when I suggest building a snow fort or cave he looks at me like its to much work. I got the snow blower out and ran ever decreasing circles till we had a nice big pile and even start to dig out the entrance for him. He seemed excited about it now that he sees the vision and I leave him to the rest only to come out five minutes later and see him lying on his back throwing snow balls up in the air and letting them fall down and hit him in the face. (not that this activity would have been unappealing to me when I was a kid, but there is a fort to make...Hello?) You know when I was a kid (I know, I know) I once buried my trampoline. Buried the entire thing so we could do ground level flips Luke Walker style. Do you know how much work it takes to bury a trampoline? And we only did flips for like five minutes and counted the effort well worth it. I mean work in the pursuit of play was not work it was .....well, it was not work. Do you all remember building a fort? Me and my palls once demolished a chicken coop only to construct what looked like a smaller and more poorly constructed chicken coop but that was our fort! And the planning and the sweating and the talking about what we would do once the fort was up (no girls thank you very much) was the only thing about the whole activity that was fun, cause lets face it hanging out inside a tiny poorly constructed chickencoop isn't all that fun. It's sad in away that Brian and most kids as far as I can tell isn't really into that kind of stuff anymore. I guess that is what the digital age is. Remember when our parents said TV will rot your brains but now TV is the lessor evil when compared to video games and I remember my mom telling me about how when her mom was a kid the little novels was the current evil that parents were trying to wean their kids from. Now it is hard to find books that the kids love to read. I wonder if my grand kid will try to get his kids to play video games instead of wasting time (insert as yet unthought up future kid past time).

I got a new cat. I don't as a rule like cats but Nathan does and I guess the cat is OK if you judge on the curve for cat standards. Here is why I like dogs better.

When you make a sudden move and startle a dog it looks at you like, "what did I do wrong and how can I make it up to you, but in the end I trust you." While when you startle a cat it looks at you like ,"oh crap he is going to kill me, I knew this day would come, but I aint going easy, lets go bitch!" and when you give a dog a treat it looks at you like oh thank you for giving me some of your food while a cat looks at you like, why are you holding my food. And when you forget to feed a dog and it tries to remind you that its hungry by looking excited and spinning and making feints toward its dog dish and when you feed it it is thankful and you can tell it believes you had a really good reason for not feeding him on time. Cats look at you like, "I am fixin to eat something, and I don't want it to be your face but that is only because I am not convinced your face would taste all that good, and you have about thirty seconds to come up with an alternative."

I shot a printer today. I took my inspiration from Chelsea's excellent post about smashing her half a cell phone and one of the references to office space. So when our IT guy came in and switched out our great big printer I asked him if I could keep the old one. He seemed kind of suspicious like I was going to try to sell it on E-bay or something but when I told him I intended to shoot it he was OK with that. So I took the printer out and put fifty rounds of 40 SW into the side of it. What I found out is amazing. If a crazy guy comes to your workplace intending to shoot it up HIDE BEHIND THE PRINTER. I could not believe how well it could stop a bullet. My partner in crime put six rounds of .38 +p into it and it even stopped that. Only when we took out the shotgun and put three, 12 gauge one and half ounce rifled slugs into it did it give up the ghost. Another thing I learned was if you ever plan to shoot a printer you should take out the toner cartridge. I looked like a chimney sweep by the time I was done cleaning up the pieces.

This has been a collection of my random thoughts. Sorry its so poorly written, it is not fun editing random thoughts.

Every ones Kung Fu Fighten!

I need to quit training Brian up, one of these days he is going to whip his old man's butt! Look at the rage. I almost don't recognize him.

But really I am super proud of the little tyke. He has really put some effort into this.

What's new? What aint?!

Well it has been a while since I have put anything down here. Shelly has been relentless in trying to get me to update and I have finally bowed before her gale force prompting. There is so much change I feel I must just sum up Indigo style. (Buttercup marry Humperdink in little less than half an hour.....)

Since I last wrote- I have a new job, Silvia has a new job, Nathan started school, Brian went to new school, and we got a new cat! Lucy however still is Lazy, sheds a lot, and smells kind of funny so there is at least one constant.

I'm now working in the Jail again. It was a hard decision. I loved patrol but I loved the jail too so I took a promotion and made the move. Silvia is now working part time for the school district working with special needs children. Finally she has a job which doesn't demand every ounce of her energy. Brian is no longer an elementary student having moved on to intermediate school. He is doing really well all; As and B+s. Nathan started kindergarten and is super cute with his backpack and construction paper projects which he brings home and is so proud of. Our new cat's name is Max and Lucy is still sleeping having moved a total of eight feet in the last three hours to find a better nap spot.

Sorry it has been so long since I wrote. I will try to be better and I will soon post the much awaited second installment of my geek obsessions.

Nathans Monkey Ear

Our recent trip to Bear Lake was really great. Lots of sun, lots of fun, and lots of dutch oven action, mmmm dutch oven. The only lots that I didn't enjoy was the lots of mosquitoes. There was a ton of them. You could tell the stream had recently flooded and all over was undergrowth that you could tell had been standing water a week ago. They were thick. We went through five cans of repellent and we all got bit anyway at least ten times. Most of the bites weren't worth commenting on but Nathan got one that made us all laugh (even though we all felt sorry for him to).

We (mostly me) called him "Monkey Ear" for obvious reasons. At first he was like, "I'm not a monkey ear, Mom tell him to stop saying Monkey ear!" After a while though, you could hear him from the back of the car saying, "Mom, Brian is touching my Monkey ear."

The Perfect Axe Throw!...or how I shared a testosterone moment with my wife...or my battle of wits with a log (a more even match then you might think)

So I recently went on a camping trip with my family. I brought a small hatchet because we usually collect small dead-fall branches for kindling but usually end up buying firewood. When we arrived however, the campground had recently been clearing some of the overgrowth and we had some pretty good sized logs in our camp ground. Most of them were just to big to even think of tackling with my hatchet but there was one log that was probably eight or ten inches in diameter and about two and a half feet long that I thought I might be able to handle. Little did I know that my musings would be the start of an epic battle...

That's the log I had my eye on and that is

the hatchet I used in my first failed attempt.

I first tried with my hatchet and despite the tremendous force I am capable of mustering with my chicken arms it just sank in and didn't even think about splitting. I gave it up but it kept nagging at me and wouldn't give me peace. The next day we were in town to buy some bug spray and I came across a bigger kind of hatchet/axe hybrid, basically a hatchet with a longer handle. Now, I have a full size axe at home and I didn't really need the dumb thing but I wanted to lay into that log again. So I bought it. The rest of the day at the lake and in town was just wasted for me cause I wanted to get back to camp and kill the log that had defied me.

The second round went to the log as well. Same mighty swing, same solid thunk, and same unsatisfying lack of destruction. I let the log be for another day or so but it never really set right with me, giving up to a chunk of wood and I would occasionally go over and take another swing at it to no avail.

So the last day rolls up on us and the log remains unconquered. I decided to put my massive brain to good use and out think the log. I figgered the problem was that the log was to long and that a shorter log of the same diameter would give it up to me. I thought to myself that I should chop it in half and then try and split it. I wasn't sure if it was cheating or not but since this was a contest that was taking place entirely inside of my own head, there was not likely be a referee flagging me for an illegal chop.

So I turned my worthy opponent on its side and began to whale away with my mini axe/oversized hatchet until it looked like a pack of beavers on crank had invaded our campsite. Silvia commented that it was the last night and we had plenty of wood for breakfast (girls never understand stuff like this). I finally got the log in half and after I had recovered from the micro stroke I had given myself, looked to finally split it.

I was pretty sure that I could get it now and a wasted no time in tyring again. I was greeted by the same thunk and no split. To say I was frustrated was putting it mildly. I sat there looking at my axe buried in the log thinking of what I could do (shooting it, running it over, throwing it off a cliff...you know your basic Wile E. Coyote solutions) I got to thinking that now that the log didn't weigh seventy lbs I could lift it while still in the axe and whack the back of the axe against another log like you do when you hit a knot in a regular piece of fire wood.

By this time I had gotten Silvia's attention (she always seems to know when I am thinking about shooting something and I think she was hovering in order to keep my enthusiasm in check). Well when I picked the axe up with the log still attached she looked kind of quizzical. When I swung it around and gave it a whack on another log it seemed to make sense to her. When the log split in two and I let out a primal scream of triumph it seemed to kind of startle her (girls don't get primal screams of triumph as a rule either)

Well I split the other half in the same fashion and was beginning to quarter the halves when Silvia says she wants to try the backward axe whacking trick. So she sticks a quarter and then swings around and splits it. She looks very satisfied with herself and I suggest she try a primal scream. To my surprise, she lets rip a respectfully loud whoop and I whoop back at her and we grin at each other like a couple of goofs.

Well on a whim and in a fit of unjustified optimism I throw the axe at a stump across the fire pit. To my great surprise it sticks just perfectly! Well this really got my testosterone pumping and I whoop again and pump my fists and Silvia whoops again and then we hug each other real rough like almost a guy-like World Series home run hug. Well, the day before we had both gotten pretty good sunburns and we both kind of go owwee and whimper at the same time and this moment was so un-caveman like and contrasted from the last minute so much, that we both immediately bust up laughing uncontrollably.

Sweet axe throw, huh?

If Geek is the new cool.......I was ahead of my time.

I never wanted to be a cop when I was growing up. I never wanted to be a soldier either. It is funny where the wind can blow you when you do not have a direction firmly in mind or the will to hold a course. I am not complaining about my life, I absolutely love my job and the experiences I have gathered through out my life. I love my family and I love where I work and where I live. All and all I am blessed.

Sometimes however I feel like there is a raging geek inside me struggling to get out. The things that interest me have absolutely nothing to do with the career paths I have found myself in. (Don't get me wrong, blowing stuff up has always held a special fascination for me and I have had some opportunities to make some really tremendous booms!) But instead of subscribing to guns and ammo and, well......whatever the cop magazine is called, I have a subscription to Discover, Nat Geo, and Popular Science.

I also have some super geek hobbies which I will share with you now.......

This is my fossil collection!! (or part of it)

Maosasaour Teeth and other assorted goodies! Lots and lots of trilobites (or bugs in geek speak)

I love Sharks. I know, stereotypical geek but I am not simply a geek

conformist; I was into sharks way before I knew they were the geek hallmark.

This bad boy came from a Megalodon that was bigger than a killer whale. Some experts think that they got as big as humpback whales! (for my non geek readers 60 feet....who am I kidding I probably lost all my non geek readers at Maosasaur)

Here is my fossilized Mammoth tooth. He is the the baby in my collection being only 4.5 million to maybe only 5 thousand years old. Best as I can tell he is about 30,000 years old although I would love someone (Veatch family geologists, ahem) to tell me with more certainty. Most of my other fossils range from 525 million years old to 20 or so million. Still he gets along well with his big brothers and we are happy to have him.

Here is a couple of fish, an Ammonite, an alligator jaw bone and a cave bear jawbone. A nice little hoge-poge. But, I know what your thinking! (those of you who are still awake) The cave bear and the mammoth where contemporaries, right? But the last cave bear went extinct like 27,000 years ago compared to the mammoth at 5,000 so although it is possible that the cave bear is younger then the mammoth, the mammoth has the youngest possible age so it wins.

Geek in training!

Here is a piece of amber with two little bugs trapped inside. Do any of you know how hard it is to convince your wife that you need something like this?

So far I have been spending a lot of my time on my fossils. I don't want any of you to think that I am not a multifaceted geek its just that fossils are an aspect of my geekness which is easy to photograph. Here are some of my other geek pastimes.





Here is my magic card collection. (I know that I made a few of even the most hardened geeks who are reading this wince) And yes, my wife makes me keep it in the basement.






Here is about half of the board games I have. A rocking night at my house will see me and the family huddled around a game of Settlers of Catan.









Here is a poster I have hanging over the john. It keeps ending up in the basement and I have to go and rescue it. Silvia liked it for about a week but since then she banishes it whenever she cant take it any more.









Here is one of my favorite T-shirts. Now that is funny. Speaking about funny and geologic periods...(sorry Shelly)

We were at the museum and there was a display of a big misty swamp with giant insects and the caption said, "a Pennsylvanian swamp" and my sweet sister, who is not an unaccomplished geek in her own right, said, "wow, its hard to imagine Pennsylvania looking like that." he, he, he, he!

And now for the crowning achievement of my geekyness!!

(note* if you have known me for over ten minutes, I have most likely already shown you this E-mail)

_______________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Jones,


I received your email concerning the mislabeled sharks teeth in our Megalodon room. After investigating this I have found that your identification of both species is correct. I thank you for bringing this to my attention and commend your keen eyesight. I will correct this problem A.S.A.P.

Sincerely,

Rick Hunter
Museum Of Ancient Life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ken Jones

Subject: Mislabeled Exhibit

Mr. Jorgenson,

I'm not sure if you are the proper person to address my problem, but I trust that you will know the person who is....

First, I love your museum. I go all the time. However, the other day I noticed a display that was mislabeled. It is in the room with the megalodon. Specifically, in the glass display case with all the shark teeth. There are several teeth that are labeled, "Hemipristis serra." They are actually Squalicorax pristodontus. You do have several Hemipristis teeth in the display. They are lying on the stand that is holding the beautiful megalodon tooth. They are unlabeled. They are the ones with the serrations that face backward (toward the point). Thanks for your time, and keep up the good work.

Respectfully, Ken Jones

___________________________________________________________________

Yes, it is an E-Mail from the curator of the biggest museum in Utah!! Is that not the coolest, I mean the geekiest thing ever? Stand back and bask in the warm glow of my nerdiness! Be stunned by the profound, monumental peak of my geek achievment! Throw your pocket protectors and retainers my way in recognition of a true geek among geeks!

For any non geeks who have made it this far I thank you for your patience. Although, I know you thought the five inch shark tooth was cool. Beware of studying to deeply the way of the geek, for it has a way of entraping you........ and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Day of the Race! Or: How I crushed the dreams of a six year old girl.

So the day of the big race approached. Silvia had by this time acquired an official Pinewood Derby Rule book and asserting her Germanness decides that our earlier efforts had either (a) violated an obscure rule or (b) had not taken advantage of other obscure rules and were therefore inadequate. So two new kits were purchased and we started from scratch.

Brian's car is modeled from a Bat-mobile car. It Weighs exactly five ounces. I know this cause Silvia took four trips to the UPS store to make sure (our cooking scale not being precise enough) So several insertion of fishing weights, drilling and shaving later it is ready. We also spent a ton of time polishing the axles and wheels.

My second effort. I didn't try to make mine look like anything; I went straight geek on it. The starting mechanism on the track is a pin that gets bent forward, as such if the front of your car is a reverse wedge with the highest point the only part touching the pin, your car will start moving the second the pin starts to bend. If the wedge is the other way your car wont start to move until the pin clears the very bottom. So I always got a head start in my races. The problem with the design is about as aerodynamic as a red rider wagon.

To counteract this I took a hole saw and drilled out most of the wood in the opposite angle, leaving only a little bit up top for the starting pin to rest on. Pretty dang clever if you ask me, and since I am writing this blog I took the initiative and did ask me. I didn't spend much time on my axles and wheels because I wasn't planing on racing or anything. Mine also only weighed 4.9 oz and I didn't try to max it out on weight because, again I didn't think it mattered.

The day of the race arrived. Last minute
adjustments were made and Silvia with the rules firmly in mind examined the other entries with thinly disguised outrage. She was sure that many of them were not regulation. (Wir müssen die Richtlinien ständig ehren!!)

I brought my car just in case I could try it out against Brian's after the race and see how my quick start design worked out. Little did I know the founders of the Derby in their wisdom took into account the pension for immature fathers and had an "other" category for non scout racers. I raced in the regular heats with all the other cars, but my times were kept separate and only counted against the other, "other" racers.....both of them.


Que my nemisis!! There she is in the pink over by the laptop which records our time (I know, I thought it suspicious too) Don't let Ashley fool you with her shy smile and three foot frame, I am quite certain that she is an evil Pinewood Genious complete with lab and hunchedback assistant. Did I mention that is her big brother who is mediating the whole match? I knew I had an uphill battle ahead of me; a titanic struggle in which only one of us would emerge.

That is her car, the pink one. It sets next to the eventual winner of the scout cars. Its the green and white "arrow." (belonging to another one of her brothers!)
It seems I'd have to take on the lot of them.

By the way, getting spanked by a pink car? insult to injury there.





Here is the last entry in the "other" category. The pencil car created by, you guessed it, Ashley's mother!

The heats began. I lost my first race but then won my next several in a row. My quick start mechanism was a success. I always got the head start and when I got beat it was always by getting past at the very end (my inattention to my wheels and not maxing out on the weight coming into play) I watched Ashley with interest. She was knocking off heats left and right. Her laughing and clapping facade whether she won or lost, a poorly disguised front for the malicious glee she felt in crushing those who opposed her.

At last, about my fifth race I line up and see Ashley sees me from across the room. Her smirk proceeds her as she gets her pink hope slayer from the table and sets it next to mine. I cannot remember who the third car was nor did it matter, the whole room knew that there were just two cars in this race!

We begin. My car jumps out to a quick start as always. As the track begins to level, Ashley's pink car starts to gain on mine rapidly but it is to late! My car crosses first and my dominance is assured!.......... Or so I thought. Ashley, as always, is laughing and clapping; her false mirth masking her thoughts of revenge.

We go on to several more heats, both her and I vanquishing all comers. Then it happens they call both our names again. I don't know how she managed to arrange it and I don't know why she wants another taste of the despair that comes from racing my black nightmare. I line up my confidence much greater this time. We start. Again my jumps out to the lead again Ashley's begin to close this time my start seemed a little less sure, Ashley's advance more swift. She passes me. In a flash of pink I am vanquished!

The match is over and the times are tallied. They announce me the winner! I had beaten Ashley by 8 hundredths of a second average time over the course of the ten or so races. The classic story of David and Goliath comes to mind. The virtual unknown with an unproven design challenges the evil establishment of the Ashley family and triumphs!

With the hopes and dreams of the six year old girl ground to dust and watered with her tears, I counted it a great day. Ashley never did let her happy clapping facade slip. Who knows what diabolical plans of revenge are hatching behind her cherubic features? We will see next year.

Makin the Pinewood

Cousin Gabe came to visit this weekend. Always a good time. Brian had his Pinewood Derby coming up and in the interest of keepin the peace and keepin Brian focused we bought an extra kit for gabe. We all had a good time and made some way awesome cars.

These cars are way to cool to smile about.

Brian went with a basic wedge design.





Gabe wanted the same and would not be talked out of it.

The funniest thing said all day was when I helped Gabe make the rough cuts with my miter saw. Little guy didn't say anything when I was talking about making the cut or when we actually made the cut, but the second we got done he says, "My mom is going to be so mad at you for letting me use that bad boy!"

Nathan wasn't about to be left out!

We had to dig out a rain gutter regatta kit.

Silvia was worried about me...lets say, expressing myself to enthusiastically on Brian's car, so she bought me one too. I totally went Night Rider on it!

Things rookie cops think are cool at first, but soon get tired of

1. Having people be scared to pass you.
-At first you are, “that’s right! You better not….there you go, get in line- he, he, he.”
-After a while it’s no fun always being at the head of your own little parade.
-Note: If you accidentally pass me going way to fast, do not compound your transgression by quickly pulling into the slow lane in front of me and slamming on your brakes; or just as bad, camp out in my blind spot for ten miles. If you weren’t going to get pulled over for speeding, you might now get pulled over for aggravated criminal annoyance.


Carrying a firearm off duty.
-At first you are, “yah buddy, I’m strapped.” (and usually with about the biggest gun they make a holster for)
-Later you realize that it is like having another kid to babysit except it never does anything cute. -You soon down grade to the tiniest gun that can still be called one.
-Say goodbye to hanging upside down on the monkey bars or any other fun spontaneous activity that could threaten to dislodge the uncomfortable bulging chunk of metal in your waste band.
-No more daisy dukes, banana hammocks, or other types of clothing that other joes get the right to embarrass themselves in. (I look awesome in a belly shirt and low-rider jeans)


Body Armor.
-At first you feel like the Black Night in Monty Python, “I’m invincible!”
-Later you realize you are simulating being three months pregnant 12 hours a day.
-They get to smelling funny real quick.
-If you didn’t have a paunch before, you do now!


Wearing police t-shirts / driving duty vehicle / anything that shows you are a cop off duty.
-At first you are like, “Why yes mam, I am a police officer, how may I assist you?”
-Later its like any other job, you want to be OFF when you are off.


Shoulder rigs: (this one for the rookie detectives)
-Look out Crocket!
-Later you realize, there is a big chunk of metal in my armpit
-I just paid $150.00 for this piece of leather that I am not going to wear again.
-Men were blessed in that we do not have to submit ourselves to bra straps and the like, unless you think the shoulder rig is just to cool not to wear.


People asking you if you have ever shot someone.
-On second thought, I never thought this one was cool


People asking you for legal advise
-At first you are, “In the land mark case Stoner V California (actual case law-Stoner, makes me laugh) the courts decided……”
-Later you are, “you want to know what I would do if the no good police gave me a ticket for speeding? I would pay the ticket and stop speeding.”
-I get paid one tenth what a defense attorney gets, and am one tenth as educated why should I provide the same service?
-You don’t trust me with your SSN on a witness statement yet you would take advice from me on a legal matter?


Seeing someone you arrested off duty.
-At first you are, “you see that guy over there? Yah, I hooked him up on a dope charge.”
-After a while you are, “don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact, don’t make- d’oh! So John, how are you doin? Stayin out of trouble? I see your road rash is healin up nicely. Well say hi to the misses for me, once the stalking injunction is lifted, won’t yah?”
-I don’t want bad guys to even think my existence extends at all beyond my work.


Running lights and siren
-At first you are, “(to top gun theme) highway to the danger zone- duh, duh, duh, take me right out in the danger zo-o-o-ne!”
-After a while you realize that you can usually get there almost as fast with your lights off and don’t risk having someone piling up into you.
-People do some really dumb things when they don’t notice you at first then all the sudden have you right in their review mirror with lights and sirens blazing. (pulling to the left, slowing down, coming to a complete stop in the lane of travel)


Going to Court.
-At first you are, “let justice prevail!!”
-Later you realize that our system lets bad guys go all the time and that if they are willing to spend enough money they have a good chance of getting off, even if you have a good case.
-You realize that ninety percent of a trial is the defense attacking the officer and only ten percent the prosecutor attacking the suspect.
-The jury never gets to hear all the facts, this is especially frustrating when the facts that are being suppressed clearly show that the suspect is a dirt bag, but are too “prejudicial” for the jury to hear.
-Defense attorneys get paid a lot more and are able to devote a ton more time to a case then the prosecutor who generally has ten other cases on his docket.


Training
-At first you are, “I’m going to learn to do what? …and I won’t get in trouble for it?...and they're going to pay me?”
-Later you are, “I’m so tired; they never schedule training for people on graves, I already took this class last year, its cold out on the range, it’s my day off and I want to be at home, on my couch, in my underwear, with a beer, watching Family Guy, and scratching myself inappropriately.”


Women trying to flirt their way out of a ticket.
-OK, this one is still kind of cool but:
-generally not effective. If you need a ticket you are most likely going to get a ticket.
-No one ever talks themselves out of a ticket.
-However, people do occasionally talk themselves into a ticket.

Disclaimer:
Nothing in this post is meant to make anyone believe that I don’t like doing what I do. I have the best job in the world. I imagine that people of all trades could make a list just as long. Somethings just loose their savor after a while.

Things you should't say to a cop and some reasons why.

1. My taxes pay your salary.
a. Wonderful, see if you can get me a raise.
b. My taxes also pay my salary so I guess I get some say in this too and I say you are going to jail.
c. Every time I buy a gallon of milk or a hamburger my money is paying the salary of the people I am buying it from, never once have I thought that this fact entitles me to be ignorant.

2. Don’t you have something better to do than pull me over?
a. Yes, I do…and if you weren’t driving like a moron I could be doing it.
b. Our number one complaint, “you guys don’t do enough traffic enforcement and people drive crazy on my street.” Our number two complaint, “You guys gave me a ticket.” We can’t do number one without doing number two, sorry.
c. More people are killed in traffic accidents then violence. No, I don’t have anything better to do.

3. I know my rights!
a. People who say this never actually do know their rights, but I can assure you that I do…and probably care about protecting them more than you care about having them.
b. People who say this almost always just got done violating someone else’s rights.
c. People who are so worried about procedural misconduct from a Police Officer know that they have committed a crime and are hoping to shift the focus to some perceived error because they know that there is no other way they will get off.
d. All right guys, we do not have to read Miranda to every one we arrest, just the ones we wish to interrogate.

4. Why don’t you go get a doughnut?
a. I think I will, thank you!

5. You are the reason people hate cops!
a. You are the reason people need cops.
b. No one is happy to see me at their door. Either you are the victim of a crime and are having a bad day; or, you are a criminal and about to have one.
c. Nobody who has a deep need to be loved can do this job effectively. I have consoled myself to being unpopular.
d. Every one hates the police, until they need us.
e. Refer to 2b, we can’t make everybody happy and it’s a mistake to try.

6. I saw ________ on CSI, why don’t you try that?
a. CSI is for entertainment. It is not an instructional video on police work.
b. I saw top gun once, doesn’t mean I would give advice to a fighter pilot.
c. If you left your purse on the seat of the car and your window open, the bad guy can, and will, steal your purse without leaving one iota of evidence. We can not take fingerprints from air, there will be no “fibers” and DNA is not something people shed like dog hair.

Am I alone?

Here are somethings about me that I think might be pretty unique. Im not sure they're unique, maybe lots of people think the same but these aren't things we would talk about much. Any way I'll put them down and if any of them are something that you all think or feel the same about let me know so I won't think I am a big spazz.

1. When people ask what kind of sense it makes to take a book on vacation when you can just as easily read at home, I can’t explain it to them but I think to myself, “You just don’t get it.”

2. Grasshoppers are the nastiest creatures on this earth. (little grippy feet and what is with the brown spit..Blech!!) and Im not scared of them, I can pick them up and I don't need to jump up on a chair when I see one or anything, they are just nasty.

3. I can't stand watching weather on the news.


4. When I accidentally put a shirt on backwards, it makes my skin crawl.

5. I would like to go back in time and fight myself at different ages. (Id kick my ass!!)

6. There is a spot right between the outside of my wife’s eye and her temple that is about my favorite spot in the world to kiss.

7. I love the smell of paper.

8. I hate the smell of oven cleaner. It is the only smell in the world that can make me throw up.

9. I love guns but think that most people who love guns are dip shits.

10. I’m thirty four but still day dream about a lot of the same stuff I day dreamed about when I was thirteen (super powers, heroic rescues, inventing something awesome, riches, traveling back in time and kicking my own ass, being irresistible to the ladies) One out of six aint bad!


11. I don’t look at my paystub at all. I know ballpark what I make, but not down to the penny. I don’t know how much taxes they take out, or medical, or FICA (whatever that is) I don’t know how much sick time I have and usually only know my vacation when It gets down towards the end of the year and I know I have to take it or loose it.

12. I get sick to my stomach and irritable when I am late for something.

13. I have to turn the music off when I am looking for anything.

14. I usually forget to turn the music back on.

15. I don’t listen to a lot of music.

16. I have no problem admitting that someone is stronger, faster, better looking, handier , more together, more organized, more knowledgeable, or more powerful than me. I have a hard time admitting that someone is smarter, a better shot, or can kick my ass, even if it is patently obvious.

17. It makes me so mad when someone slaps the back of my head, even playfully..I literally see red. I would get less mad if someone punched me in the face.

18. When I get a direction wrong in my head, like when I think a certain street runs East/West when it actually runs North/South, its permanent. I can never, ever, ever convince my subconcious that it is not the way I feel it should be. I will forever have to picture myself on a map with my self facing North and my left hand pointing West and then overlay this mental picture over the street that I intelectually know goes North to figure out which way the cross streets are going. This is a process that takes several seconds and requires me to close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose.

There are a ton more that always come to me but I forget them cause I guess they don' really matter much. Here is a good start though, I hope some of you all write back and either tell me that some of those things are the same for you, or write back and tell me to seek some help.

Brian gets an art lesson

SO we are walking to Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay when we pass this display with a bunch of "rubenesque" sculptures all drawn and quartered and scattered over a wall. Brian kind of catches a glance out of the corner of his eye and then does a double take.

Dad, what IS this?
Well, I guess it is art.
Mom, this "art" has lady parts in it.

Mr Moose goes to Vegas.

So when we told Brian's teacher that he would miss two days to go on a trip, she asked him to make a jornal and to bring, "Mr. Moose" the class Mascott on the trip and take some pictures with him in Vegas. Well if you know Silvia, you know this is a project that she can really sink her teath into!

So every where we went, Brian was packing Mr. Moose with him. We have pictures of Mr. Moose in front of sharks an sphinxes and giant M&Ms.

We even had to dig out a second Moose for Nathan (since if Brian is doing it, it has to be very cool)

I even got into the spirt and showed Mr. Moose a good time one night. (he, he, he, Silvia was mad when she saw the pictures)

Mr. Moose at the LV Natural History Museum (I know I am a dork)






I spent two days looking at aquariums and museums and about thirty minutes gambling.



Mr. Moose with a Sarcosuchus

Mr. Moose makes a temporary truce with his ancient enemy, the bear, for a photo-op

Mr. moose in front of the Luxor

The whole family and Mr. Moose had a real good time in Las Vegas. The kids probably liked the hotel swimming pools the best but they also had fun seeing the sights and spending time with the family. Funny how kids don't think it strange at all to drive for six and a half hours just to spend time in a swimming pool. Oh well, to each his own.

Confessions of a 34 year old Vegas Virgin

So Shelly has been trying to get me to go to Vegas for years. I’ve never really got the draw. "Sin City"…… I mean, I'm not really a very accomplished sinner; sure I dabble and all, but I’m not sure I can make a whole vacation out of it.

I like to drink, but I hate bars. I like to play cards with my friends but the idea of playing with a bunch of strangers doesn’t really appeal. Strippers are gross, Big cities are scary, Elvis impersonators are sad, Traffic is frustrating, and CSI pisses me off.

Well anyway Shelly finally got me to go by booking a timeshare and faking a pregnancy. (yes, I know that’s a pillow, your dedication to this farce is amazing!) I am at a loss for what to do. I have so far only thought of two very dork things that I want to do. (Shark Bay and the Hover Damn) Silvia is dubious as well, but we are going to give it a shot. I mean millions of people go there all the time, they can't all be nimrods.

Shelly is certain that once we get there we will have a blast and I am sure she is right. I’m excited to see the Sharks and Brian is so easy with a vacation (as long as there is a pool bigger than a bathtub he is stoked) Nathan will have fun wherever he is. I’m sure Silvia will have fun too as long as we do not get accosted by any hookers. I think I will try my hand a poker. Im really good when I am playing with a bunch of cops, Im not sure if I will shine so much in Vegas.

I will write again once I return and see if I am a beliver. Unless of course, I win a hundred million in which case I will have my personal blog adviser let you know how it went.

Nathan does something cute enogh to make me blog!

Nathan is my four year old. He has been such a puzzle for me. On the one hand he seems fearless and independent, more so than Brian ever was, on the other hand he gets scared when I twirl him around like Brian never was.

His independence comes with a price though. He often helps himself to whatever he wants out of the fridge and believes himself capable of crossing the road since about the time he learned to walk.

Yesterday though, Nathan finally bit off more than he could chew. I am in the living room and Nathan comes running into me with tears in his eyes, practically sobbing. He says, "Oh, dad I broke the bathroom! Hurry come here, I broke it!" I try to ask him what happened but he just tugs on my arm and repeats, "I broke the bathroom" Nathan lead me back to our bathroom where I find the worst mess. The toilet has overflown. Now this would not have been a big deal for Brian. He would of come and got me at the first sign of trouble and it would have been a simple matter to plunge the toilet. Nathan, on the other hand has obviously flushed the toilet at least three times trying to get it to work on his own. He also as attempted to help stop the water by dumping an entire basket of clean laundry on the wet floor as well as our bedspread and sheets.

I try to comfort him by saying I can fix it but he wont be comforted and declares, "we just need to buy a new bathroom! (SOB)" I try to heal his damaged ego by letting him help me plunge the toilet. I don't think there was any permanent damage. He was helping himself to slices of cheese later the same day.