What's new? What aint?!

Well it has been a while since I have put anything down here. Shelly has been relentless in trying to get me to update and I have finally bowed before her gale force prompting. There is so much change I feel I must just sum up Indigo style. (Buttercup marry Humperdink in little less than half an hour.....)

Since I last wrote- I have a new job, Silvia has a new job, Nathan started school, Brian went to new school, and we got a new cat! Lucy however still is Lazy, sheds a lot, and smells kind of funny so there is at least one constant.

I'm now working in the Jail again. It was a hard decision. I loved patrol but I loved the jail too so I took a promotion and made the move. Silvia is now working part time for the school district working with special needs children. Finally she has a job which doesn't demand every ounce of her energy. Brian is no longer an elementary student having moved on to intermediate school. He is doing really well all; As and B+s. Nathan started kindergarten and is super cute with his backpack and construction paper projects which he brings home and is so proud of. Our new cat's name is Max and Lucy is still sleeping having moved a total of eight feet in the last three hours to find a better nap spot.

Sorry it has been so long since I wrote. I will try to be better and I will soon post the much awaited second installment of my geek obsessions.

Nathans Monkey Ear

Our recent trip to Bear Lake was really great. Lots of sun, lots of fun, and lots of dutch oven action, mmmm dutch oven. The only lots that I didn't enjoy was the lots of mosquitoes. There was a ton of them. You could tell the stream had recently flooded and all over was undergrowth that you could tell had been standing water a week ago. They were thick. We went through five cans of repellent and we all got bit anyway at least ten times. Most of the bites weren't worth commenting on but Nathan got one that made us all laugh (even though we all felt sorry for him to).

We (mostly me) called him "Monkey Ear" for obvious reasons. At first he was like, "I'm not a monkey ear, Mom tell him to stop saying Monkey ear!" After a while though, you could hear him from the back of the car saying, "Mom, Brian is touching my Monkey ear."

The Perfect Axe Throw!...or how I shared a testosterone moment with my wife...or my battle of wits with a log (a more even match then you might think)

So I recently went on a camping trip with my family. I brought a small hatchet because we usually collect small dead-fall branches for kindling but usually end up buying firewood. When we arrived however, the campground had recently been clearing some of the overgrowth and we had some pretty good sized logs in our camp ground. Most of them were just to big to even think of tackling with my hatchet but there was one log that was probably eight or ten inches in diameter and about two and a half feet long that I thought I might be able to handle. Little did I know that my musings would be the start of an epic battle...

That's the log I had my eye on and that is

the hatchet I used in my first failed attempt.

I first tried with my hatchet and despite the tremendous force I am capable of mustering with my chicken arms it just sank in and didn't even think about splitting. I gave it up but it kept nagging at me and wouldn't give me peace. The next day we were in town to buy some bug spray and I came across a bigger kind of hatchet/axe hybrid, basically a hatchet with a longer handle. Now, I have a full size axe at home and I didn't really need the dumb thing but I wanted to lay into that log again. So I bought it. The rest of the day at the lake and in town was just wasted for me cause I wanted to get back to camp and kill the log that had defied me.

The second round went to the log as well. Same mighty swing, same solid thunk, and same unsatisfying lack of destruction. I let the log be for another day or so but it never really set right with me, giving up to a chunk of wood and I would occasionally go over and take another swing at it to no avail.

So the last day rolls up on us and the log remains unconquered. I decided to put my massive brain to good use and out think the log. I figgered the problem was that the log was to long and that a shorter log of the same diameter would give it up to me. I thought to myself that I should chop it in half and then try and split it. I wasn't sure if it was cheating or not but since this was a contest that was taking place entirely inside of my own head, there was not likely be a referee flagging me for an illegal chop.

So I turned my worthy opponent on its side and began to whale away with my mini axe/oversized hatchet until it looked like a pack of beavers on crank had invaded our campsite. Silvia commented that it was the last night and we had plenty of wood for breakfast (girls never understand stuff like this). I finally got the log in half and after I had recovered from the micro stroke I had given myself, looked to finally split it.

I was pretty sure that I could get it now and a wasted no time in tyring again. I was greeted by the same thunk and no split. To say I was frustrated was putting it mildly. I sat there looking at my axe buried in the log thinking of what I could do (shooting it, running it over, throwing it off a cliff...you know your basic Wile E. Coyote solutions) I got to thinking that now that the log didn't weigh seventy lbs I could lift it while still in the axe and whack the back of the axe against another log like you do when you hit a knot in a regular piece of fire wood.

By this time I had gotten Silvia's attention (she always seems to know when I am thinking about shooting something and I think she was hovering in order to keep my enthusiasm in check). Well when I picked the axe up with the log still attached she looked kind of quizzical. When I swung it around and gave it a whack on another log it seemed to make sense to her. When the log split in two and I let out a primal scream of triumph it seemed to kind of startle her (girls don't get primal screams of triumph as a rule either)

Well I split the other half in the same fashion and was beginning to quarter the halves when Silvia says she wants to try the backward axe whacking trick. So she sticks a quarter and then swings around and splits it. She looks very satisfied with herself and I suggest she try a primal scream. To my surprise, she lets rip a respectfully loud whoop and I whoop back at her and we grin at each other like a couple of goofs.

Well on a whim and in a fit of unjustified optimism I throw the axe at a stump across the fire pit. To my great surprise it sticks just perfectly! Well this really got my testosterone pumping and I whoop again and pump my fists and Silvia whoops again and then we hug each other real rough like almost a guy-like World Series home run hug. Well, the day before we had both gotten pretty good sunburns and we both kind of go owwee and whimper at the same time and this moment was so un-caveman like and contrasted from the last minute so much, that we both immediately bust up laughing uncontrollably.

Sweet axe throw, huh?

If Geek is the new cool.......I was ahead of my time.

I never wanted to be a cop when I was growing up. I never wanted to be a soldier either. It is funny where the wind can blow you when you do not have a direction firmly in mind or the will to hold a course. I am not complaining about my life, I absolutely love my job and the experiences I have gathered through out my life. I love my family and I love where I work and where I live. All and all I am blessed.

Sometimes however I feel like there is a raging geek inside me struggling to get out. The things that interest me have absolutely nothing to do with the career paths I have found myself in. (Don't get me wrong, blowing stuff up has always held a special fascination for me and I have had some opportunities to make some really tremendous booms!) But instead of subscribing to guns and ammo and, well......whatever the cop magazine is called, I have a subscription to Discover, Nat Geo, and Popular Science.

I also have some super geek hobbies which I will share with you now.......

This is my fossil collection!! (or part of it)

Maosasaour Teeth and other assorted goodies! Lots and lots of trilobites (or bugs in geek speak)

I love Sharks. I know, stereotypical geek but I am not simply a geek

conformist; I was into sharks way before I knew they were the geek hallmark.

This bad boy came from a Megalodon that was bigger than a killer whale. Some experts think that they got as big as humpback whales! (for my non geek readers 60 feet....who am I kidding I probably lost all my non geek readers at Maosasaur)

Here is my fossilized Mammoth tooth. He is the the baby in my collection being only 4.5 million to maybe only 5 thousand years old. Best as I can tell he is about 30,000 years old although I would love someone (Veatch family geologists, ahem) to tell me with more certainty. Most of my other fossils range from 525 million years old to 20 or so million. Still he gets along well with his big brothers and we are happy to have him.

Here is a couple of fish, an Ammonite, an alligator jaw bone and a cave bear jawbone. A nice little hoge-poge. But, I know what your thinking! (those of you who are still awake) The cave bear and the mammoth where contemporaries, right? But the last cave bear went extinct like 27,000 years ago compared to the mammoth at 5,000 so although it is possible that the cave bear is younger then the mammoth, the mammoth has the youngest possible age so it wins.

Geek in training!

Here is a piece of amber with two little bugs trapped inside. Do any of you know how hard it is to convince your wife that you need something like this?

So far I have been spending a lot of my time on my fossils. I don't want any of you to think that I am not a multifaceted geek its just that fossils are an aspect of my geekness which is easy to photograph. Here are some of my other geek pastimes.





Here is my magic card collection. (I know that I made a few of even the most hardened geeks who are reading this wince) And yes, my wife makes me keep it in the basement.






Here is about half of the board games I have. A rocking night at my house will see me and the family huddled around a game of Settlers of Catan.









Here is a poster I have hanging over the john. It keeps ending up in the basement and I have to go and rescue it. Silvia liked it for about a week but since then she banishes it whenever she cant take it any more.









Here is one of my favorite T-shirts. Now that is funny. Speaking about funny and geologic periods...(sorry Shelly)

We were at the museum and there was a display of a big misty swamp with giant insects and the caption said, "a Pennsylvanian swamp" and my sweet sister, who is not an unaccomplished geek in her own right, said, "wow, its hard to imagine Pennsylvania looking like that." he, he, he, he!

And now for the crowning achievement of my geekyness!!

(note* if you have known me for over ten minutes, I have most likely already shown you this E-mail)

_______________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Jones,


I received your email concerning the mislabeled sharks teeth in our Megalodon room. After investigating this I have found that your identification of both species is correct. I thank you for bringing this to my attention and commend your keen eyesight. I will correct this problem A.S.A.P.

Sincerely,

Rick Hunter
Museum Of Ancient Life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Ken Jones

Subject: Mislabeled Exhibit

Mr. Jorgenson,

I'm not sure if you are the proper person to address my problem, but I trust that you will know the person who is....

First, I love your museum. I go all the time. However, the other day I noticed a display that was mislabeled. It is in the room with the megalodon. Specifically, in the glass display case with all the shark teeth. There are several teeth that are labeled, "Hemipristis serra." They are actually Squalicorax pristodontus. You do have several Hemipristis teeth in the display. They are lying on the stand that is holding the beautiful megalodon tooth. They are unlabeled. They are the ones with the serrations that face backward (toward the point). Thanks for your time, and keep up the good work.

Respectfully, Ken Jones

___________________________________________________________________

Yes, it is an E-Mail from the curator of the biggest museum in Utah!! Is that not the coolest, I mean the geekiest thing ever? Stand back and bask in the warm glow of my nerdiness! Be stunned by the profound, monumental peak of my geek achievment! Throw your pocket protectors and retainers my way in recognition of a true geek among geeks!

For any non geeks who have made it this far I thank you for your patience. Although, I know you thought the five inch shark tooth was cool. Beware of studying to deeply the way of the geek, for it has a way of entraping you........ and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Day of the Race! Or: How I crushed the dreams of a six year old girl.

So the day of the big race approached. Silvia had by this time acquired an official Pinewood Derby Rule book and asserting her Germanness decides that our earlier efforts had either (a) violated an obscure rule or (b) had not taken advantage of other obscure rules and were therefore inadequate. So two new kits were purchased and we started from scratch.

Brian's car is modeled from a Bat-mobile car. It Weighs exactly five ounces. I know this cause Silvia took four trips to the UPS store to make sure (our cooking scale not being precise enough) So several insertion of fishing weights, drilling and shaving later it is ready. We also spent a ton of time polishing the axles and wheels.

My second effort. I didn't try to make mine look like anything; I went straight geek on it. The starting mechanism on the track is a pin that gets bent forward, as such if the front of your car is a reverse wedge with the highest point the only part touching the pin, your car will start moving the second the pin starts to bend. If the wedge is the other way your car wont start to move until the pin clears the very bottom. So I always got a head start in my races. The problem with the design is about as aerodynamic as a red rider wagon.

To counteract this I took a hole saw and drilled out most of the wood in the opposite angle, leaving only a little bit up top for the starting pin to rest on. Pretty dang clever if you ask me, and since I am writing this blog I took the initiative and did ask me. I didn't spend much time on my axles and wheels because I wasn't planing on racing or anything. Mine also only weighed 4.9 oz and I didn't try to max it out on weight because, again I didn't think it mattered.

The day of the race arrived. Last minute
adjustments were made and Silvia with the rules firmly in mind examined the other entries with thinly disguised outrage. She was sure that many of them were not regulation. (Wir müssen die Richtlinien ständig ehren!!)

I brought my car just in case I could try it out against Brian's after the race and see how my quick start design worked out. Little did I know the founders of the Derby in their wisdom took into account the pension for immature fathers and had an "other" category for non scout racers. I raced in the regular heats with all the other cars, but my times were kept separate and only counted against the other, "other" racers.....both of them.


Que my nemisis!! There she is in the pink over by the laptop which records our time (I know, I thought it suspicious too) Don't let Ashley fool you with her shy smile and three foot frame, I am quite certain that she is an evil Pinewood Genious complete with lab and hunchedback assistant. Did I mention that is her big brother who is mediating the whole match? I knew I had an uphill battle ahead of me; a titanic struggle in which only one of us would emerge.

That is her car, the pink one. It sets next to the eventual winner of the scout cars. Its the green and white "arrow." (belonging to another one of her brothers!)
It seems I'd have to take on the lot of them.

By the way, getting spanked by a pink car? insult to injury there.





Here is the last entry in the "other" category. The pencil car created by, you guessed it, Ashley's mother!

The heats began. I lost my first race but then won my next several in a row. My quick start mechanism was a success. I always got the head start and when I got beat it was always by getting past at the very end (my inattention to my wheels and not maxing out on the weight coming into play) I watched Ashley with interest. She was knocking off heats left and right. Her laughing and clapping facade whether she won or lost, a poorly disguised front for the malicious glee she felt in crushing those who opposed her.

At last, about my fifth race I line up and see Ashley sees me from across the room. Her smirk proceeds her as she gets her pink hope slayer from the table and sets it next to mine. I cannot remember who the third car was nor did it matter, the whole room knew that there were just two cars in this race!

We begin. My car jumps out to a quick start as always. As the track begins to level, Ashley's pink car starts to gain on mine rapidly but it is to late! My car crosses first and my dominance is assured!.......... Or so I thought. Ashley, as always, is laughing and clapping; her false mirth masking her thoughts of revenge.

We go on to several more heats, both her and I vanquishing all comers. Then it happens they call both our names again. I don't know how she managed to arrange it and I don't know why she wants another taste of the despair that comes from racing my black nightmare. I line up my confidence much greater this time. We start. Again my jumps out to the lead again Ashley's begin to close this time my start seemed a little less sure, Ashley's advance more swift. She passes me. In a flash of pink I am vanquished!

The match is over and the times are tallied. They announce me the winner! I had beaten Ashley by 8 hundredths of a second average time over the course of the ten or so races. The classic story of David and Goliath comes to mind. The virtual unknown with an unproven design challenges the evil establishment of the Ashley family and triumphs!

With the hopes and dreams of the six year old girl ground to dust and watered with her tears, I counted it a great day. Ashley never did let her happy clapping facade slip. Who knows what diabolical plans of revenge are hatching behind her cherubic features? We will see next year.

Makin the Pinewood

Cousin Gabe came to visit this weekend. Always a good time. Brian had his Pinewood Derby coming up and in the interest of keepin the peace and keepin Brian focused we bought an extra kit for gabe. We all had a good time and made some way awesome cars.

These cars are way to cool to smile about.

Brian went with a basic wedge design.





Gabe wanted the same and would not be talked out of it.

The funniest thing said all day was when I helped Gabe make the rough cuts with my miter saw. Little guy didn't say anything when I was talking about making the cut or when we actually made the cut, but the second we got done he says, "My mom is going to be so mad at you for letting me use that bad boy!"

Nathan wasn't about to be left out!

We had to dig out a rain gutter regatta kit.

Silvia was worried about me...lets say, expressing myself to enthusiastically on Brian's car, so she bought me one too. I totally went Night Rider on it!

Things rookie cops think are cool at first, but soon get tired of

1. Having people be scared to pass you.
-At first you are, “that’s right! You better not….there you go, get in line- he, he, he.”
-After a while it’s no fun always being at the head of your own little parade.
-Note: If you accidentally pass me going way to fast, do not compound your transgression by quickly pulling into the slow lane in front of me and slamming on your brakes; or just as bad, camp out in my blind spot for ten miles. If you weren’t going to get pulled over for speeding, you might now get pulled over for aggravated criminal annoyance.


Carrying a firearm off duty.
-At first you are, “yah buddy, I’m strapped.” (and usually with about the biggest gun they make a holster for)
-Later you realize that it is like having another kid to babysit except it never does anything cute. -You soon down grade to the tiniest gun that can still be called one.
-Say goodbye to hanging upside down on the monkey bars or any other fun spontaneous activity that could threaten to dislodge the uncomfortable bulging chunk of metal in your waste band.
-No more daisy dukes, banana hammocks, or other types of clothing that other joes get the right to embarrass themselves in. (I look awesome in a belly shirt and low-rider jeans)


Body Armor.
-At first you feel like the Black Night in Monty Python, “I’m invincible!”
-Later you realize you are simulating being three months pregnant 12 hours a day.
-They get to smelling funny real quick.
-If you didn’t have a paunch before, you do now!


Wearing police t-shirts / driving duty vehicle / anything that shows you are a cop off duty.
-At first you are like, “Why yes mam, I am a police officer, how may I assist you?”
-Later its like any other job, you want to be OFF when you are off.


Shoulder rigs: (this one for the rookie detectives)
-Look out Crocket!
-Later you realize, there is a big chunk of metal in my armpit
-I just paid $150.00 for this piece of leather that I am not going to wear again.
-Men were blessed in that we do not have to submit ourselves to bra straps and the like, unless you think the shoulder rig is just to cool not to wear.


People asking you if you have ever shot someone.
-On second thought, I never thought this one was cool


People asking you for legal advise
-At first you are, “In the land mark case Stoner V California (actual case law-Stoner, makes me laugh) the courts decided……”
-Later you are, “you want to know what I would do if the no good police gave me a ticket for speeding? I would pay the ticket and stop speeding.”
-I get paid one tenth what a defense attorney gets, and am one tenth as educated why should I provide the same service?
-You don’t trust me with your SSN on a witness statement yet you would take advice from me on a legal matter?


Seeing someone you arrested off duty.
-At first you are, “you see that guy over there? Yah, I hooked him up on a dope charge.”
-After a while you are, “don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact, don’t make- d’oh! So John, how are you doin? Stayin out of trouble? I see your road rash is healin up nicely. Well say hi to the misses for me, once the stalking injunction is lifted, won’t yah?”
-I don’t want bad guys to even think my existence extends at all beyond my work.


Running lights and siren
-At first you are, “(to top gun theme) highway to the danger zone- duh, duh, duh, take me right out in the danger zo-o-o-ne!”
-After a while you realize that you can usually get there almost as fast with your lights off and don’t risk having someone piling up into you.
-People do some really dumb things when they don’t notice you at first then all the sudden have you right in their review mirror with lights and sirens blazing. (pulling to the left, slowing down, coming to a complete stop in the lane of travel)


Going to Court.
-At first you are, “let justice prevail!!”
-Later you realize that our system lets bad guys go all the time and that if they are willing to spend enough money they have a good chance of getting off, even if you have a good case.
-You realize that ninety percent of a trial is the defense attacking the officer and only ten percent the prosecutor attacking the suspect.
-The jury never gets to hear all the facts, this is especially frustrating when the facts that are being suppressed clearly show that the suspect is a dirt bag, but are too “prejudicial” for the jury to hear.
-Defense attorneys get paid a lot more and are able to devote a ton more time to a case then the prosecutor who generally has ten other cases on his docket.


Training
-At first you are, “I’m going to learn to do what? …and I won’t get in trouble for it?...and they're going to pay me?”
-Later you are, “I’m so tired; they never schedule training for people on graves, I already took this class last year, its cold out on the range, it’s my day off and I want to be at home, on my couch, in my underwear, with a beer, watching Family Guy, and scratching myself inappropriately.”


Women trying to flirt their way out of a ticket.
-OK, this one is still kind of cool but:
-generally not effective. If you need a ticket you are most likely going to get a ticket.
-No one ever talks themselves out of a ticket.
-However, people do occasionally talk themselves into a ticket.

Disclaimer:
Nothing in this post is meant to make anyone believe that I don’t like doing what I do. I have the best job in the world. I imagine that people of all trades could make a list just as long. Somethings just loose their savor after a while.