Saturday, February 28, 2009

Things you should't say to a cop and some reasons why.

1. My taxes pay your salary.
a. Wonderful, see if you can get me a raise.
b. My taxes also pay my salary so I guess I get some say in this too and I say you are going to jail.
c. Every time I buy a gallon of milk or a hamburger my money is paying the salary of the people I am buying it from, never once have I thought that this fact entitles me to be ignorant.

2. Don’t you have something better to do than pull me over?
a. Yes, I do…and if you weren’t driving like a moron I could be doing it.
b. Our number one complaint, “you guys don’t do enough traffic enforcement and people drive crazy on my street.” Our number two complaint, “You guys gave me a ticket.” We can’t do number one without doing number two, sorry.
c. More people are killed in traffic accidents then violence. No, I don’t have anything better to do.

3. I know my rights!
a. People who say this never actually do know their rights, but I can assure you that I do…and probably care about protecting them more than you care about having them.
b. People who say this almost always just got done violating someone else’s rights.
c. People who are so worried about procedural misconduct from a Police Officer know that they have committed a crime and are hoping to shift the focus to some perceived error because they know that there is no other way they will get off.
d. All right guys, we do not have to read Miranda to every one we arrest, just the ones we wish to interrogate.

4. Why don’t you go get a doughnut?
a. I think I will, thank you!

5. You are the reason people hate cops!
a. You are the reason people need cops.
b. No one is happy to see me at their door. Either you are the victim of a crime and are having a bad day; or, you are a criminal and about to have one.
c. Nobody who has a deep need to be loved can do this job effectively. I have consoled myself to being unpopular.
d. Every one hates the police, until they need us.
e. Refer to 2b, we can’t make everybody happy and it’s a mistake to try.

6. I saw ________ on CSI, why don’t you try that?
a. CSI is for entertainment. It is not an instructional video on police work.
b. I saw top gun once, doesn’t mean I would give advice to a fighter pilot.
c. If you left your purse on the seat of the car and your window open, the bad guy can, and will, steal your purse without leaving one iota of evidence. We can not take fingerprints from air, there will be no “fibers” and DNA is not something people shed like dog hair.

Am I alone?

Here are somethings about me that I think might be pretty unique. Im not sure they're unique, maybe lots of people think the same but these aren't things we would talk about much. Any way I'll put them down and if any of them are something that you all think or feel the same about let me know so I won't think I am a big spazz.

1. When people ask what kind of sense it makes to take a book on vacation when you can just as easily read at home, I can’t explain it to them but I think to myself, “You just don’t get it.”

2. Grasshoppers are the nastiest creatures on this earth. (little grippy feet and what is with the brown spit..Blech!!) and Im not scared of them, I can pick them up and I don't need to jump up on a chair when I see one or anything, they are just nasty.

3. I can't stand watching weather on the news.


4. When I accidentally put a shirt on backwards, it makes my skin crawl.

5. I would like to go back in time and fight myself at different ages. (Id kick my ass!!)

6. There is a spot right between the outside of my wife’s eye and her temple that is about my favorite spot in the world to kiss.

7. I love the smell of paper.

8. I hate the smell of oven cleaner. It is the only smell in the world that can make me throw up.

9. I love guns but think that most people who love guns are dip shits.

10. I’m thirty four but still day dream about a lot of the same stuff I day dreamed about when I was thirteen (super powers, heroic rescues, inventing something awesome, riches, traveling back in time and kicking my own ass, being irresistible to the ladies) One out of six aint bad!


11. I don’t look at my paystub at all. I know ballpark what I make, but not down to the penny. I don’t know how much taxes they take out, or medical, or FICA (whatever that is) I don’t know how much sick time I have and usually only know my vacation when It gets down towards the end of the year and I know I have to take it or loose it.

12. I get sick to my stomach and irritable when I am late for something.

13. I have to turn the music off when I am looking for anything.

14. I usually forget to turn the music back on.

15. I don’t listen to a lot of music.

16. I have no problem admitting that someone is stronger, faster, better looking, handier , more together, more organized, more knowledgeable, or more powerful than me. I have a hard time admitting that someone is smarter, a better shot, or can kick my ass, even if it is patently obvious.

17. It makes me so mad when someone slaps the back of my head, even playfully..I literally see red. I would get less mad if someone punched me in the face.

18. When I get a direction wrong in my head, like when I think a certain street runs East/West when it actually runs North/South, its permanent. I can never, ever, ever convince my subconcious that it is not the way I feel it should be. I will forever have to picture myself on a map with my self facing North and my left hand pointing West and then overlay this mental picture over the street that I intelectually know goes North to figure out which way the cross streets are going. This is a process that takes several seconds and requires me to close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose.

There are a ton more that always come to me but I forget them cause I guess they don' really matter much. Here is a good start though, I hope some of you all write back and either tell me that some of those things are the same for you, or write back and tell me to seek some help.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Brian gets an art lesson

SO we are walking to Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay when we pass this display with a bunch of "rubenesque" sculptures all drawn and quartered and scattered over a wall. Brian kind of catches a glance out of the corner of his eye and then does a double take.

Dad, what IS this?
Well, I guess it is art.
Mom, this "art" has lady parts in it.

Mr Moose goes to Vegas.

So when we told Brian's teacher that he would miss two days to go on a trip, she asked him to make a jornal and to bring, "Mr. Moose" the class Mascott on the trip and take some pictures with him in Vegas. Well if you know Silvia, you know this is a project that she can really sink her teath into!

So every where we went, Brian was packing Mr. Moose with him. We have pictures of Mr. Moose in front of sharks an sphinxes and giant M&Ms.







We even had to dig out a second Moose for Nathan (since if Brian is doing it, it has to be very cool)





I even got into the spirt and showed Mr. Moose a good time one night. (he, he, he, Silvia was mad when she saw the pictures)
















Mr. Moose at the LV Natural History Museum (I know I am a dork)






I spent two days looking at aquariums and museums and about thirty minutes gambling.



Mr. Moose with a Sarcosuchus






Mr. Moose makes a temporary truce with his ancient enemy, the bear, for a photo-op










Mr. moose in front of the Luxor



The whole family and Mr. Moose had a real good time in Las Vegas. The kids probably liked the hotel swimming pools the best but they also had fun seeing the sights and spending time with the family. Funny how kids don't think it strange at all to drive for six and a half hours just to spend time in a swimming pool. Oh well, to each his own.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Confessions of a 34 year old Vegas Virgin

So Shelly has been trying to get me to go to Vegas for years. I’ve never really got the draw. "Sin City"…… I mean, I'm not really a very accomplished sinner; sure I dabble and all, but I’m not sure I can make a whole vacation out of it.

I like to drink, but I hate bars. I like to play cards with my friends but the idea of playing with a bunch of strangers doesn’t really appeal. Strippers are gross, Big cities are scary, Elvis impersonators are sad, Traffic is frustrating, and CSI pisses me off.

Well anyway Shelly finally got me to go by booking a timeshare and faking a pregnancy. (yes, I know that’s a pillow, your dedication to this farce is amazing!) I am at a loss for what to do. I have so far only thought of two very dork things that I want to do. (Shark Bay and the Hover Damn) Silvia is dubious as well, but we are going to give it a shot. I mean millions of people go there all the time, they can't all be nimrods.

Shelly is certain that once we get there we will have a blast and I am sure she is right. I’m excited to see the Sharks and Brian is so easy with a vacation (as long as there is a pool bigger than a bathtub he is stoked) Nathan will have fun wherever he is. I’m sure Silvia will have fun too as long as we do not get accosted by any hookers. I think I will try my hand a poker. Im really good when I am playing with a bunch of cops, Im not sure if I will shine so much in Vegas.

I will write again once I return and see if I am a beliver. Unless of course, I win a hundred million in which case I will have my personal blog adviser let you know how it went.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Nathan does something cute enogh to make me blog!

Nathan is my four year old. He has been such a puzzle for me. On the one hand he seems fearless and independent, more so than Brian ever was, on the other hand he gets scared when I twirl him around like Brian never was.
His independence comes with a price though. He often helps himself to whatever he wants out of the fridge and believes himself capable of crossing the road since about the time he learned to walk.

Yesterday though, Nathan finally bit off more than he could chew. I am in the living room and Nathan comes running into me with tears in his eyes, practically sobbing. He says, "Oh, dad I broke the bathroom! Hurry come here, I broke it!" I try to ask him what happened but he just tugs on my arm and repeats, "I broke the bathroom" Nathan lead me back to our bathroom where I find the worst mess. The toilet has overflown. Now this would not have been a big deal for Brian. He would of come and got me at the first sign of trouble and it would have been a simple matter to plunge the toilet. Nathan, on the other hand has obviously flushed the toilet at least three times trying to get it to work on his own. He also as attempted to help stop the water by dumping an entire basket of clean laundry on the wet floor as well as our bedspread and sheets.
I try to comfort him by saying I can fix it but he wont be comforted and declares, "we just need to buy a new bathroom! (SOB)" I try to heal his damaged ego by letting him help me plunge the toilet. I don't think there was any permanent damage. He was helping himself to slices of cheese later the same day.